Monthly Archives: May 2010

A Bigger Hole!!!

OK, folks, this LMRPC… that is Lower Marine Riser Package Cap, has a little twist to the operation.

They are going to cut the pipe, so that they have a clean break to try to put the cap on. Only problem?  This will result in a 20% or so greater flow than there is now… a bigger leak!  So, if they can’t get the cap on, then they will have made the situation 20% worse.

Maybe take the Astro Dome, and drop it upside down on top of the leak.

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Maybe They Should Nuke It

I think a little nuclear action might be just the ticket.

Maybe a few of the larger nukes, probably launched from a submarine would be good. Some of those little babies are getting old anyway, and might be past there pull date soon, getting a little moldy, the outer crust a bit crunchy. The fuses flaky.  Dr. Strangelove to the rescue.   Whoopie!!!  I mean… Goldberg!!!  If they do it right, maybe the resulting upsplash will send all the oil into outer space. I hope Hubble and the ISS have windshield wipers, not to mention that new top secret Air Force baby that just took off recently.  If they really do it right, the gigantic cloud of oil might get sucked up by a vast black hole.  Sianora Baby!!!    Out of sight, out of mind. Pasta la vista, Fred. Later, Aligator. After a while, crocodile.  So, just write “Ghost of Saddam” on the nose cap, and fire away. Remember when Saddam, Mr H., torched all his oil wells?   “If  I can’t have them, nobody can”  Kind of like O.J. with Nicole. Don’t get me started on the ‘ol Mr. Orange Juice. The guy gets away with murder, then gets popped for a gun hold up to get back some of his sports memorabilia?  How crazy is that?  O. J., finally doesn’t get away with something. Even Nicole said he was likely to kill her, and get away with it, because he’s O.J.  The dude could have been golfing to this day, but no, he needed his autographed helmet back.  So, anyway, the real estate market is way down on the gulf coast already. What’s to lose with a bit of nuke activity?

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One Point Two Million Gallons Of Mud

I think if they had just One point FIVE million gallons of mud, it just might have worked. Maybe they used the wrong kind of mud. I hear the imported varieties are the best.  Something about the aroma, that subtle flavor, the delicate colour, the smooth texture… just can’t be had round here.  But that imported stuff, only comes in one gallon containers.     And the shipping costs?    Out of sight, baby!

The mud I grew up with would have worked. I just know it.

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Lower Marine Riser Package Cap

Funny Thing… I had a dream about a Lower Marine Riser Package Cap just last night. In my dream I turned my LMRPC into a really cool coffee table. My friends were all amazed. They were like “Dude, you could plug an oil well with that sucker”  I said, “Yeah, that would maybe save the world’s oceans, and keep the planet from a pre 2012 untimely demise, thus saving all of humanity for two years, but then I wouldn’t have a coffee table, and then just where would I place my afternoon tea?”

Craziest dream I ever had.

There’s no place like my Lower Marine Riser Package Cap coffee table.

Not Available In Stores Anywhere

If I move to Cabo San Lucas, I might sell my coffee table on E Bay… Stay Tuned!

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Danger Will Robinson! R2D2 To The Rescue!!!

Well, shoving tires and cement and golf balls and abandoned vehicles and scrap lumber and compost and hippies and rocks and jail escapees and dying farm animals and Siberian lobster shells and inoperable kinetic sculptures and BP executive’s houses into the big hole have all failed.

Oh, but do they ever have a plan now…

Enter R2D2, Hal, or some mad scientist’s junior version of Frankenstein with a wet suit.

Giant BP 4 D cell Mascot to the rescue!!!

Yessir!   That little robot, aka TK “Top Kill” Jones, flown in from a remake, modern sci-fi version of “Pat Garrett & Billy the Kid”, has a diamond tipped nuclear hack saw, a big six footer, and it’s going to cut that big pipe, and just put a cap on it. TK is an amateur beer maker, and so of course has a bottle capper, which has been specially adapted for this greasy job.  If they want to put a different cap on it later, they can just use a Bic lighter to open it.

So, the top secret code name for this operation… “Lower Marine Riser Package Cap”  I’m serious. Really, I’m not kidding. True story.

What the *%#@!!!   Y’all have really done it now.    LMRPC!!!   WHO COMES UP WITH THIS STUFF???  Personally, I like “R2D2 with Bottle Capper” much better.  Yo to all the BP top brass… STICK WITH SMOKING CIGARETTES!!!    Just tobacco… nothing else… OK?

And no more than two cups of coffee per day… decaf if you want a third.

Sweet & Low, or Splenda… no sugar.

And, please make sure your robot’s batteries aren’t corroded… wouldn’t want to pollute the ocean!!!

p.s… BP says that it can’t guarantee that this operation, the likes of which have never been tried before at such depths, will be successful. If not fully satisfied, they can return it to place of purchase for a full refund. Some restrictions may apply. Additional charge if returned with oily residue.  Batteries not included.

Oh, really?

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"How Many Redwoods Do You Need To See?"

In the White House, the mighty White House, Ronnie sleeps tonight…

Good ‘ol Reagan.  He was once quoted as saying “You seen one redwood, you seen em all”

To his defense, he said… “What I said, was, how many redwoods do you need to see?”

Some defense!

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Golf Balls?!?… Oy Veh!!! "Top Kill" To the Rescue!!!

Oh, this has GOT to work…

Now why didn’t we think of this sooner. It’s the only sensible solution. Hire kids , unruly school kids are best, to gather up all the lost golf balls from courses across the land, and just shove them down the gaping hole, gushing a bazillion gallons of mother earth’s finest crude. Ahh, yes, the only obvious answer. Golf balls.  I was thinking stuffed animals and tennis shoes would be best, but now, fo schizzle, it’s the golf ball to the rescue.   Now, if they get all the best golfers, and line them up on a barge, to fire shots at the beast… FOUR!!!  No, not the Miles Davis tune. Like, look out!!! Now, if ever there were a better way for Tiger to redeem himself.   Don’t forget to wear helmets, as the first million or so balls might just spit back out, and come raining down, like hail from hell.  And this hair and fur plan, all stuffed into regulation Victoria’s Secret nylons. I contributed just last week, when I got my hair cut for a passport photo, perhaps so that I may leave this country, and live somewhere where the top scientists have technologies beyond golf balls and fur stockings.

I think somebody slipped something into the big coffee pot at BP headquarters. Those folks are desperate, and wired to the gills… a bad combination.  Better have a bevvy of designated drivers. Maybe if every employee, or, perhaps just the bosses, stuck their thumbs into the hole… they could pump oxygen to them, and they could live on a seafood diet…   I think they should fire the retiring fleet of space shuttles into the hole. At least they could get a running start.  Then again, France gave us the Statue of Liberty… perhaps they could start a wine cork campaign.  Cork the devil!   You all at BP, and the rest of you oil barons (you know who you are ), should have thought this scenario through a LONG time ago.   You are tapping into the golden well, just looking for the on switch, with no plan to turn it off.  Maybe the best brains at BP could rig up an underwater refinery, pumping up petrol to the surface for all the pleasure boats from Boston to Daytona Beach. Perhaps you could offer a Costco style discount, for folks like Paul Allen, to fuel up one of his billion dollar babies.

In time, all your over sights, policy failures, code deficiencies, your doomsday plans, drawn up with the same T Square used for the Leaning Tower of Pizza, will become known to all.    My heartfelt sympathies for those who died in the platform explosion. OOOps! We left a little valve open. Or whatever.  They put people on the moon so many years ago. Now, the earth is gushing her juices, and destroying a huge area of the ocean, and the best y’all can come up with is GOLF BALLS???   A half witted child could do better. I am a musician, not an activist, or political critic or anything, but hey…   Golf Balls?!?  Now really… how embarrassing!!!

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Looking For My Theo

As the legend has it, from what I hear, Vincent Van Gogh would perhaps never had sold a painting were it not for his brother Theo. He just liked to paint, had to paint, but apparently had no clue as to the business of being an artist.  Joni Mitchell waxed poetic about the visual arts versus the performing arts on her “Miles of Aisles” record.  She philosophized about how a painter paints a painting, and is done, that’s it. But a musician plays their songs many times.  Joni said that “Nobody ever asked Van Gogh to paint another Starry Night again… he painted it, and that was it!”

Well, I’m no Van Gogh, but I am on a quest for my Theo. That person who will say to me… “Dave, just play your flute… I will take care of the rest”

To quote a title from a favorite Moody Blues song… “I Know You’re Out There Somewhere”

Oh, by the way, did you hear about some Japanese emperor, who had bought a Van Gogh painting, and wanted to be buried with it? He would probably like Michael Jackson’s glove as well…

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Watch Out For Sharks!

So, the little oil leak in the gulf…

They are now trying to plug it up with cement and mud, and I hear, unruly school kids.  While they double checked the seals on the cement truck windows, and promised the driver over time pay, equipping him with a spear gun, and double scuba tanks. Of course, the trip down would be somewhat easier than the trip back up. However, one big advantage… self cleaning cement pouring.  Ahh, those fine engineers at BP will try anything. Even Kevin Costner has a role… his high tech machines called “Ocean Therapy”.

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Does This Road Go All The Way To Arkansas???

“Well, Ive been standing here all day, and it ain’t gone nowhere yet!”

David Grisman & Jerry Garcia

From the CD  “Not For Kids Only”

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